Tuesday, August 21, 2001

August 21, 2001

I found this entry from long before I actually got a chance to include it online...
I don't want to go to sleep
Once I do, I will start thinking
I think now, but it only takes up half my brain
When I shut my eyes and try to sleep
My thoughts haunt me and envelope my entire brain
Once I finally sleep, my dreams take over my thoughts
and there is a kind of relief for a short while
Morning comes too soon
Not because I remain forever tired but because I remain forever haunted
I know when I wake those thoughts will return from my subconscious
It is sad when you realize that you are up late writing for no other reason
but that you have no one to listen to you
no one to talk to
and the things you cry about are a lost
cause some are only vague memories from five years ago
these things don't seem real
almost as if they never happened
but you know they did because you cry
these things continue
and there is no way to control them
the same things happen now with variation that happened then
people say only you can change your own life
but that seems hopeless when there is no room for change
and you don't want change
you just want improvement in what you have
you don't want to give it up
because it is comfortable
and you still have not fully recovered
from leaving the last thing that made you comfortable
and at times you can't figure out what was going through your head
but she's happy now
and he's happy only to make me repeatedly unhappy
and i keep falling for it
"the definition of insanity is doing the same thing-
and expecting different results"